All in the Same Breath

Dear Mom,

I’ve been both dreading and looking forward to this summer being over. I have always hated the end of summer, but this year, I am looking forward to the transition into a new season that isn’t so deeply demarcated by your death. Summer started with the loss of you, and while it is officially over now, summer will be really over for me Saturday, when we say goodbye to you at your memorial.

I thought I would count down the days to the first day of fall; somehow ceremoniously mark the last day of the hardest summer of my life. Instead, I awoke on September 22, and had no clue that summer had passed me by. I realized it was the first day of fall from all of the ubiquitous scarf/leaves/boots/pumpkin spice latte photos that flooded my Facebook and Instagram. I looked up at Colin and said,

“Yesterday was the last day of summer, and I didn't even realize it. I didn't do anything to ceremoniously mark the occasion…. Well, I have officially survived the hardest summer of my life. Well, I hope to god this will be the hardest summer of my life.”

It seems like there have been a lot of things and events that I thought I would somehow ceremoniously mark or be very accurately aware of, but so many have just sort of…passed me by.

In the immediate aftermath of your death, I remember dreading the first day that I would not cry. I wondered when it would be. In 6 months? In a year? I was sure it would be huge.

But then Cris’ Mom died 12 days after you, and our entire universe went from barely manageable to complete and utter upside down fucked up chaos. At some point into our stay in Massachusetts, I looked up at Cris and said:

“I don't know when was the last time I cried. I can’t remember. I thought it would be this massive occasion.”

So just like that, I slipped into days without crying and then I slipped into my first season without you, without even noticing.

----

When I planned my trip to Florida to go to Disney World and on a Disney cruise, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go. I really had no idea if you would be alive or dead or what my life would look like. It turns out, I was able to go, because you died almost three months before I departed for Florida.

We are going to spread your ashes as a family sometime in the next year, we haven’t decided when yet. However, I knew I wanted to bring some of you with me to Florida, to spread some of your ashes on your favorite rides at Disney World and at a beach in the Bahamas.

I unceremoniously scooped some of your ashes into sandwich bags and carefully placed the bags in my carry-on suitcase the day before I left. Just knowing a little bit of you was with me as I made the trip to Florida made me feel better.

I knew that this trip would be hard.

It would be my first vacation without you, my first time to a Disney park without you, and the last time I was in Florida, we were together. I was grateful we could, in a way, make this trip together too. I think I needed some extra time, just you and I.

I went to Animal Kingdom as soon as I arrived in Orlando. Colin was at Universal for the night, so that evening was just me in the park. I went to Animal Kingdom first because of the new Pandora/Avatar land that opened.

Seeing it was so incredibly magical. Amazing. Nothing short of game changing. As I was snapping photos of this new land and oohing and ahhing around every corner, I was constantly and simultaneously hit with an acute awareness that you would never see this. That I would never see you again. That I would never be in another Disney park with you again.

I realized that all in the same breath, I could both be wowed by this new and impressive and totally immersive land, and also simultaneously be broken at the thought that you won’t ever get to experience it.

I am beginning to realize that so much of the rest of my life will be me experiencing the extremes of life’s emotions all at once, all in the same breath.

Vacations will be happy and exciting and fun, and also sad and incomplete, wishing you were there.

The birth of my babies will be life-changing and wonderful and full of love and also so incredibly devastating because you won’t be there.

This new state of being, experiencing conflicting emotions at once, is difficult. I never knew I could laugh and cry so much at the same time.

After wandering around Pandora, I headed to Expedition Everest, one of your absolute favorite Disney rides, in any park. I hadn’t even considered that it might be difficult for me to ride. As I walked up to the seat I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

You should be here, I thought.

It was late at night, so it was dark. I hadn’t actually ever ridden this ride in the dark, and either had you. I was very much looking forward to it, and yet was also feeling so, so very sad.

As we chugged along the track I remembered your first time on the ride, and how mad and excited you were that I didn't tell you that the ride went backwards. You loved it.

As the ride vehicle made the transition to go backwards, I could picture you sitting next to me, that exact moment, and I laughed. I laughed so hard.

As we were flying backwards I thought, this is so fun in the dark, she would have loved it so much, and then I cried.

I alternated between states of laughter and crying, and wasn't quite convinced which emotion was winning.

As we got off the ride, I decided to immediately get back on. I was sick and so nauseous and close to puking, but I felt your presence so closely on it and I wanted more of it.

I hopped back on and this time, the seat next to me was unoccupied. I took it as a sign from the universe that you were with me. I looked over at the empty seat, smiled so big, and then erupted into tears, and then we jolted forward.

As we made the ascent up the hill, I laughed and laughed so hard, and looked over again at the empty seat, and out over the entire park which I could now see, and then cried so hard.

I screamed out into the ride that I missed you and wanted you there. And then I heard your unmistakable voice in my head:

I am here.

I will never know if when I hear your voice if it’s you or my own imagination needing you. Either way, it is comforting.

I turned to the empty seat and I silently nodded. I wiped the tears, and laughed the rest of the ride.

I can only imagine what the cast members thought of the crazy crying laughing mess that I was on the ride.

----

Six days in the parks had passed on the day we departed for our cruise, and I still hadn’t spread any of your ashes in the parks. I realized I would have to spread them when we returned to the parks after the cruise. I decided to be a little gentle with myself and honor the fact that this was hard for me to do.

Each day that I went to bring your ashes with me into the park, I just couldn't bear to do it. It seemed like it was just going to be too hard to do. Letting go of these little pieces of you was so much more difficult than I imagined.

I wanted to bring you on a cruise. It was one of the travel experiences I wanted you to have before you died, but that we just didn't get to, because of time. As I set the pieces of you on our counter in our stateroom, Colin reminded me that now you will have, after all, gone on a cruise with me.

Colin was so great with honoring you and me and my process on this trip. He rolled with the punches of my crying and requests to do things to honor you. He laughed with me and cried with me and patted my back and sat in silence with me when I needed it.

I realized on the cruise that the day we would be in the Bahamas, the day that I planned on spreading your ashes, happened to fall on the anniversary of three months without you. I don’t think it was a coincidence.

Each month feels all the more brutal and also a little easier. I hate both.

I realized while on the cruise, that I have gotten to the point where I just miss you terribly.

It feels like you've been gone long enough, and that you can come back now. It is incomprehensible to me that it has only been three months and that I will have to go three years, three decades, or more, without seeing you.

I am so viscerally aware of your absence.

I haven’t really dreamed about you at all since your death, or if I have, the dreams have been of no consequence. It has angered me a bit, because I had hoped my dreams would be an opportunity for us to communicate. However, that all changed on the ship.

I had multiple dreams where you were still alive, but dying, and that I was begging you to make sure that when you died, that you would never leave me. That you would always stay with me and “haunt” me if you will. Each time I explained to you that I just wouldn't be able to bear my life if I both couldn't see you and couldn't feel you with me. Oh, how I wish we had had that conversation while you were still alive.

On the day we were at Castaway Cay in the Bahamas, Disney’s private island, I was a bit of a wreck. I was having a very, very hard time. My reaction to things unrelated to you were outsized; I was really upset about you, but was getting upset at other things. Sometimes it takes me awhile to realize this.

At one point, while we were walking and my legs were fucking chafing and hurting like a bitch, I was irritated and hot and threw a cup of water into the bushes and threw my stuff on the ground. I wasn’t really upset at the walk or the heat or the chaffing. Although all of those things were pretty miserable.

I was just pissed my Mom is dead.

Each anniversary thus far has been incredibly difficult for me. In some ways, I hate getting further away from you and your death. I get anxious thinking about more distance between us.

I cried a lot that day at the beach. I went into the water by myself and spent a lot of time alone out there.

I cried so many tears and let the waves hit me, one after another. I went under and would scream.

How could I be in a place that was so beautiful when you were dead? How can these two realities exist together?

I simultaneously was in awe of the beautiful beach, and also was so desperately sad and aching for you. I was acutely aware of this juxtaposition.

All in the same breath.

I stayed in the water until my eyes and my skin stung, until I could no longer tell the difference between my tears and the water.

I walked back up to Colin on the beach and I told him I wanted to go to the far end of the beach, to be alone, to spread your ashes. I asked if he would take photos of me doing it.

In part because I am desperately afraid to forget anything that has a connection to you, I am constantly documenting, documenting, documenting, all of these moments. The good, the bad, the hard, the happy.  But also, because I want to look back on these moments and remember the dark days when I continued putting one foot in front of the other, when I didn't think I could.

We walked to the end of the beach and I waded into the water.

I clutched that Ziploc sandwich bag of your ashes to my chest and the tears streamed down in hot and heavy streaks.

I told you I didn't want to let you go. That this is oh so hard for me and that I just fucking miss you so much. I said that I needed to let a little bit of you go, just you and I, before we let you go as a family.

I’ve always needed a little extra time with you.

Hesitantly, I opened the bag and scooped out small handfuls at a time of you.

I examined the ashes, wondering what parts of you I was holding and feeling between my fingertips.

Before I carefully and slowly let you go in the water, I held my cupped hand of ashes to my lips and gave you a kiss. Leaving a dusting of your ashes on my lips.

I told you I wanted you to be a part of a beautiful place you never got to see, for forever.

After I let go of the last bit of ashes in the water, I rinsed the bag out. I didn't want any to be left in the bag.

Then, with the white cloud of you still hovering just at the surface swirling around me, I dove into you, ducked my head under, and screamed.

I surfaced and said I loved you and will always miss you.

I hesitantly walked back to shore to Colin.

He looked at me and very simply said, “You alright?” I nodded back silently.

Then I told him I peed while I walked out to let you go, because I thought you would think it was funny.

He busted up laughing, and then so did I, while the tears fell down.

All in the same breath.

----

The next day was our last day on the ship. We were going to quickly pop back into Disney World before our evening flights. It would be my last opportunity to spread the other small bag of your ashes in the Magic Kingdom. I knew it would be hard, but I also knew it would be what you wanted.

It isn’t legal to spread ashes in a Disney park, so I knew I would have to do it sneakily. I however, figured it was worth the risk.

I snuck you into the park in my bra. I thought you would have thought that was funny. I didn't want security confiscating or questioning my random sandwich bag of white powder, so I figured a trip to the Magic Kingdom in my bra was the best course of action.

We came through security without any issues, and I retrieved the bag of you out of my bra and we headed for Space Mountain.

I opened the sandwich baggy and placed it in my bag, I scooped small handfuls of you out and gently let you go into the air, like pixie dust.

I scattered you in planters in Tomorrow Land.

In the queue in Space Mountain.

Colin and I laughed. And then I cried.

I was genuinely enjoying this so much, because I knew you would have thought it was fucking hysterical. In part because it was illegal. I was also so fucking sad.

All in the same breath.

We asked for the back of the ride vehicle, so I could let you go while speeding through space without anyone catching a mouth or eyeful.

It turns out that strategy was effective for everyone, except for me.

You decided to take up residence in my eyes and in my mouth on a few of the turns. I am even squinting in the ride photo because some ashes had just flown into my eyes.

I could just see you busting up laughing seeing that photo.

Colin told me when we got off he kept his mouth closed the entire time, just in case.

Colin could hear me laughing and giggling throughout the ride, he told me he knew it was because I was letting you go, through space. I cried through the laughter.

All in the same breath.

With each release of my hand I said, I love you, I miss you, enjoy space! Goodbye, Mom!

When we got off the ride, I realized my pants, hands, and much of the ride car had a light dusting of ash.

Woops.

I told myself it was sterile, so was fine.

Next up, we headed to Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, aka, Thundy as we called it. I scattered you in the Rivers of America and throughout Frontier Land.

Again, we asked for the back on Thundy to avoid contaminating others with your ashes. And plus, the back is the best anyways, duh.

I threw the ashes out like a flower girl throwing petals.

Goodbye Mom! I love you! Enjoy Thundy!

When we got off the ride, I was really covered in ashes. I wiped my hands on my pants.

You would have found it fucking hilarious.

Or disgusting.

Probably both.

Definitely both.

As we walked away from Thundy, I was suddenly struck with such a visceral awareness that I was never going to see you again and that I was never going to get to come to another Disney park with you again.

The tears came down fast and hard.

Colin looked at me and again said, You alright?

I just miss her so much. I won’t ever get to come here with her again.

He replied and said at least we got one more whirl together at the parks.

---

Throughout the trip, I have seen lots of grandmas with their children and grandkids in the parks. I even saw one grandma, she must have been at least 75, getting into the Space Mountain ride vehicle with her grandkids. It hit me like a bullet in the back and caught me by surprise at the fierce intensity of the pain.

I told Colin, that would have been her, still speeding through space at 75.

Fuck, I miss you so much.

We headed to the Haunted Mansion, aka, the Stupid Scary House as you dubbed it. Because you thought the ride was stupid and a waste of time, I thought it would be funny and you would get a kick out of me sprinkling some of your ashes over the tombstones outside the ride. I had just a little bit of you left and flung you like pixie dust. I didn't even try to conceal what I was doing at this point.

Bye, Mom. I miss you. I love you forever.

After this, we took a photo in front of the Stupid Scary House. In the photo, you can see my pants covered in a handprint of your ashes.

When we realized this, we both busted up laughing. Colin said, she would love it.

And you would have.

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And now here I sit, in seat 6C, on my way home. Per the usual, I am crying and writing on airplane. Somethings never change.

I head home to put the final touches on your memorial service this weekend. It has been an at times heartbreaking labor of love. I have spent hundreds of hours on your memorial. My last gift to you.

This weekend we will gather, celebrate, mourn, and say goodbye.

What I’ve realized is this Saturday will mark an end, but not THEE end. Not of my grief, nor my final goodbye to you. But it will mark the end of the darkest, earliest chapter of my life without you. My hardest summer. It will provide some needed closure and healing.

I realized in the Bahamas and at Disney World, that I will continue saying goodbye to you, in a million ways, every day, for the rest of my life. But I’ve also realized that it won’t always be painful goodbyes, but it will sometimes also be playful and happy hellos when I see reflections of you in my life, like I did all through the last 12 days on vacation.

And sometimes both, all in the same breath.

This life without you will never be easy. But it will also be beautiful, I have faith.

Achingly beautiful.

All in the same breath.