Yes, if you have seen my Facebook, you know by now. I am leaving Korea; leaving a lot earlier than planned.
Why? That answer is easy and difficult to explain. I think most people by now know that I have not enjoyed my Korean experience all that much. Most of that blame can be placed on my coteacher and my constant string of ailments and sicknesses. But, in the end, it is more than that. Quite a few people have blamed my "issues" with Korea on culture shock. It is more than that. I have lived in another country before, one where I lived without water and electricity much of the time. And, I LOVED it. Simple as that. It goes beyond culture shock. There are things about Korea that just conflict with who I am.
Some people chalk it up to cultural differences, but there are things that I just have had a very difficult time ignoring. The chaining and beating, followed by eating of dogs. The beating of children. The blatant and overt racism and sexism against foreigners and women. The unbelievable disrespect for younger people. Again, many people will claim this as, "culture" and not discuss it further. Over the weekend I had a long, philosophical debate with a good friend here. Someone who really likes it here, and we agreed on this. Culture can only go so far in explaining things. Some things are just morally wrong. Again, maybe that is me over symplifying things, or perhaps it is me taking an unpopular stance. Or, maybe its me being an American. Either way, it is how I feel. There is very little in this country that I enjoy, or even respect.
Pretty much since the beginning, I have woken up daily HATING my life, due to my job. My coteacher has made my life absolute HELL. That is NO secret. I should put a disclaimer up, I know people who absolutely LOVE their jobs, and have amazing and wonderfully supportive co-teachers. I would say I am probably the exception, not the norm. My experience with my co-teacher has, without a doubt, colored my experience here. I decided awhile ago, that I couldn't, even for a year, wake up, every single day dreading going into work. Life is too short for that depth of discontent. Don't get me wrong, there are aspects of my job that I LOVE. Namely, my girls. Some are absolutely wonderful, and they have kept me going this long. But again, it isn't enough.
Why did I come to Korea, you may ask? Well, again, that is complicated. I finished my Master's last July and started looking for jobs in September. After four solid months of looking with no prospects, I sort of well, panicked. I needed a job to pay the ever mounting depts from school I had. So, I fled. Some people accused me of running away, maybe they were right. But, I knew I needed money and I knew that I wanted to travel. Plus, I knew people back home who loved their experience here and described it like another college experience. I can agree with that! I have had an amazing time making friends, drinking with them and seeing this country. It really has been like another college experience; lots of drinking (too much at times, haha), few responsiblities other than work, no rent payments etc... When I came here, I craved part of that. I wanted a simple life, free from everyday worries about money and loans and life and the future.
What I realized in the process is that money is not the answer to almost anything. Not all, but a lot of people here don't really know what they want to do with life, and that is fine, life is about discovering what it is you want to do; and Korea is a great opportunity to figure out what it is you want to do while making money and traveling. But for me, I know and knew what I wanted to do. I want to work in maternal and reproductive healthcare and development. I spent a lot of money going to school to do that and it is something that I am deeply passionate about and brings great joy and fufillment into my life. I knew coming here would be leaving that field, if only temporarily. I realized while being here that money isn't enough for me. I can't HATE my job and not enjoy a large aspect of my life because of it, while living in an at times hostile culture and country I do not really enjoy and being away from my family and friends. There has to be more. I realized I would rather be dirt ass poor, doing something which I love, rather than stay here. I didn't care where it was, as long as I was happy where I was. I think in life, there are always aspects of your life out of balance, or whacked the fuck out. That is the essence of life, it is never perfect. But, for me at least, it can't mostly be shit. I just don't operate like that. I couldn't wake up for nine more months and hate life, counting down the days. I couldn't continue to not live authentically and in the moment, looking forward to a time when I wouldn't be here. So, I made a choice. I said: FUCK IT.
At about this time, maybe around a month ago or so, one of my best friends, Kelsey, sent me a text and told me: Go apply for the Doula Americorps position RIGHT NOW!!!! Those were her words. What was she referring to? An Americorps position (more on Americorps in a minute) in a community health center in Seattle that serves primarily Latinos. It was a position that trained the person as a Doula (more on Doulas in a minute) to be a Doula during births for Spanish speaking women. I have known about this position for years, and wished I could do it. I always felt that my Spanish wasn't really up to par or good enough. The position required "fluency". So, I always ignored it and proceeded on with life. With Kelsey's command, I thought: FUCK IT! I can do this, what is the worst that can happen? They say no? So, I e-mailed the woman in charge knowing it was a long-shot, that the position was probably already filled. The position is for a year, and it is posted in January, for an August start. I just figured it was filled, but what the hell. So, I e-mailed her, described myself and my background and low and behold, she said the position was still open! Not only that, but she encouraged my application!
So, I submitted my application. Thinking that this position was made for me; integrating birth and Spanish, in Seattle! But, I still doubted my Spanish. After multiple interviews, including with a native Spanish speaker, I got the job! My Spanish was deemed indeed good enough. When I found out, I was absolutely estatic. I can't remember being that genuinely happy and excited in a very, very long time!!! The position starts August 15th, and I am beyond words excited. I know it will be an extremely challenging position, with the first month or so really adjusting to speaking Spanish all the time, allowing the language to slowly seep back into my brain. It will be emotinally trying, but it will be invigorating. I am so excited! So, what exactly am I doing?
I will be trained as a Birth Doula. What is a Doula? Here is the definition taken straight from the Seattle Midwifery School's site, where I will undergo training to become a Doula as a part of the program:
Why? That answer is easy and difficult to explain. I think most people by now know that I have not enjoyed my Korean experience all that much. Most of that blame can be placed on my coteacher and my constant string of ailments and sicknesses. But, in the end, it is more than that. Quite a few people have blamed my "issues" with Korea on culture shock. It is more than that. I have lived in another country before, one where I lived without water and electricity much of the time. And, I LOVED it. Simple as that. It goes beyond culture shock. There are things about Korea that just conflict with who I am.
Some people chalk it up to cultural differences, but there are things that I just have had a very difficult time ignoring. The chaining and beating, followed by eating of dogs. The beating of children. The blatant and overt racism and sexism against foreigners and women. The unbelievable disrespect for younger people. Again, many people will claim this as, "culture" and not discuss it further. Over the weekend I had a long, philosophical debate with a good friend here. Someone who really likes it here, and we agreed on this. Culture can only go so far in explaining things. Some things are just morally wrong. Again, maybe that is me over symplifying things, or perhaps it is me taking an unpopular stance. Or, maybe its me being an American. Either way, it is how I feel. There is very little in this country that I enjoy, or even respect.
Pretty much since the beginning, I have woken up daily HATING my life, due to my job. My coteacher has made my life absolute HELL. That is NO secret. I should put a disclaimer up, I know people who absolutely LOVE their jobs, and have amazing and wonderfully supportive co-teachers. I would say I am probably the exception, not the norm. My experience with my co-teacher has, without a doubt, colored my experience here. I decided awhile ago, that I couldn't, even for a year, wake up, every single day dreading going into work. Life is too short for that depth of discontent. Don't get me wrong, there are aspects of my job that I LOVE. Namely, my girls. Some are absolutely wonderful, and they have kept me going this long. But again, it isn't enough.
Why did I come to Korea, you may ask? Well, again, that is complicated. I finished my Master's last July and started looking for jobs in September. After four solid months of looking with no prospects, I sort of well, panicked. I needed a job to pay the ever mounting depts from school I had. So, I fled. Some people accused me of running away, maybe they were right. But, I knew I needed money and I knew that I wanted to travel. Plus, I knew people back home who loved their experience here and described it like another college experience. I can agree with that! I have had an amazing time making friends, drinking with them and seeing this country. It really has been like another college experience; lots of drinking (too much at times, haha), few responsiblities other than work, no rent payments etc... When I came here, I craved part of that. I wanted a simple life, free from everyday worries about money and loans and life and the future.
What I realized in the process is that money is not the answer to almost anything. Not all, but a lot of people here don't really know what they want to do with life, and that is fine, life is about discovering what it is you want to do; and Korea is a great opportunity to figure out what it is you want to do while making money and traveling. But for me, I know and knew what I wanted to do. I want to work in maternal and reproductive healthcare and development. I spent a lot of money going to school to do that and it is something that I am deeply passionate about and brings great joy and fufillment into my life. I knew coming here would be leaving that field, if only temporarily. I realized while being here that money isn't enough for me. I can't HATE my job and not enjoy a large aspect of my life because of it, while living in an at times hostile culture and country I do not really enjoy and being away from my family and friends. There has to be more. I realized I would rather be dirt ass poor, doing something which I love, rather than stay here. I didn't care where it was, as long as I was happy where I was. I think in life, there are always aspects of your life out of balance, or whacked the fuck out. That is the essence of life, it is never perfect. But, for me at least, it can't mostly be shit. I just don't operate like that. I couldn't wake up for nine more months and hate life, counting down the days. I couldn't continue to not live authentically and in the moment, looking forward to a time when I wouldn't be here. So, I made a choice. I said: FUCK IT.
At about this time, maybe around a month ago or so, one of my best friends, Kelsey, sent me a text and told me: Go apply for the Doula Americorps position RIGHT NOW!!!! Those were her words. What was she referring to? An Americorps position (more on Americorps in a minute) in a community health center in Seattle that serves primarily Latinos. It was a position that trained the person as a Doula (more on Doulas in a minute) to be a Doula during births for Spanish speaking women. I have known about this position for years, and wished I could do it. I always felt that my Spanish wasn't really up to par or good enough. The position required "fluency". So, I always ignored it and proceeded on with life. With Kelsey's command, I thought: FUCK IT! I can do this, what is the worst that can happen? They say no? So, I e-mailed the woman in charge knowing it was a long-shot, that the position was probably already filled. The position is for a year, and it is posted in January, for an August start. I just figured it was filled, but what the hell. So, I e-mailed her, described myself and my background and low and behold, she said the position was still open! Not only that, but she encouraged my application!
So, I submitted my application. Thinking that this position was made for me; integrating birth and Spanish, in Seattle! But, I still doubted my Spanish. After multiple interviews, including with a native Spanish speaker, I got the job! My Spanish was deemed indeed good enough. When I found out, I was absolutely estatic. I can't remember being that genuinely happy and excited in a very, very long time!!! The position starts August 15th, and I am beyond words excited. I know it will be an extremely challenging position, with the first month or so really adjusting to speaking Spanish all the time, allowing the language to slowly seep back into my brain. It will be emotinally trying, but it will be invigorating. I am so excited! So, what exactly am I doing?
I will be trained as a Birth Doula. What is a Doula? Here is the definition taken straight from the Seattle Midwifery School's site, where I will undergo training to become a Doula as a part of the program:
"What is a Birth Doula?
Doula (doo’-luh) is a Greek word referring to an experienced woman who helps other women. Today the word is used to refer to a trained person (usually a woman) who provides physical, emotional, and informational support to women and families during and after childbirth. The Simkin Center trains two types of doulas: birth doulas and postpartum doulas. A birth doula assists the pregnant woman and her family in preparing and carrying out their birth plans. She stays with the laboring mother throughout the entire birth process, providing emotional and physical support and an objective viewpoint. She helps her clients get the information they need to make informed decisions. The birth doula recognizes childbirth as a transformative life experience. Her primary objective is to nurture and protect a woman’s memory of her birth experience."
So, that in part, is what I will be doing! I will be serving primarily Latina women whom speak Spanish. Myself with another Doula (there are two in this position) will visit the women during their pregnancies, get to know them and discuss things related to birth, put on educational classes relating to birth and attend births. I will be on average, attending about four births per month. I will be working at a community health clinic in Seattle called, SeaMar. SeaMar describes themselves as, "Sea Mar Community Health Centers, founded in 1978, is a community-based organization committed to providing quality, comprehensive health and human services in Washington State. Originally founded to serve only Latinos, Sea Mar proudly serves all persons without regard to race, ethnicity, immigration status, gender, or sexual preference, and regardless of ability to pay for services." They describe the Doula position as, "Doulas serve in maternity support services, providing pre- and post-labor education and assistance for clients who lack a support system." So, in a nutshell, that is what I am doing! I will be part of Americorps, under the Healthcorps program, which, "...is part of the national AmeriCorps program. Community HealthCorps is intended to promote health care for America’s underserved populations, and helps to develop tomorrow’s health-care workforce. Community HealthCorps members provide direct service to Sea Mar clients while enhancing their skills and experiences in the field of health and human services. Each member’s personal growth is fostered through a highly supportive, challenging, and educational team environment." Americorps is a national volunteer program that has been around for many decades. I will be earning a stipend; nothing huge but enough to live off of on my own, in Seattle and pay my bills. Why did I choose this route? Well, the position really is perfect for me, for starters. Also, I need experience working in public health and the economy sucks, so this seemed to be very serendipitous. So, I leaped at the opportunity, knowing it would mean leaving Korea and having to pay back my flight money and returning to Seattle making very little money. But, I was and am perfectly ok with that.
A lot of people have suggested (and I even heavily considered) just leaving in the night. AKA a "midnight run." Which in Korea, is when you leave your school and break your contract and literally leave in the middle of the night without anyone knowing. You don't pay back your flight money or anything else you owe the school. I decided, as a firm believer in Karma, regardless of how unbelievably shitty my school has been (namely, my co-teacher), I couldn't do that. I refused to run away in the middle of the night. I also believe, that what comes around goes around. My co-teacher will get his in the end, and I can know I left as a good person, upstanding, doing the right thing. I can also bid farewell to my friends and experiences here with a sense of closure. So, that is why I refuse to run, for those wondering.
Many people have asked (and I know are probably wondering), do I regret coming? Do I regret moving my ass over here? Assuredly, I can answer: No. Not even a little bit. This experience has changed me in ways I didn't anticipate. It has caused me to grow and stretch and has taught me so much about myself. I shouldn't be suprised, really. Honestly, coming here I thought, I've done the whole culture shock thing, I've lived abroad, I've spent a significant amount of time the last five years being outside of the country or away from everything and everyone I know. No problem!
Silly me. Life and experiences change and shape you in unimaginable ways, if you let them. I know from experience, the full realization of the change experienced, doesn't really occur until you return home and have more perspective. But, even without having returned yet, I know, I have been changed. I have encountered a culture I really don't meld very well with. I underestimated how not speaking the language would drastically change my experience. I really didn't even consider it. I have only been in countries where I speak the language, or the majority of the populace speaks excellent English. I greatly understimated how not speaking a common language would shape every aspect of my life. I have learned things about myself, realized priorities and shifted others. I have also made some great, amazing friends. The kind that can only come when you are forced into an unusual situation that others can't even being to understand. Living in an isolated community (a foreigner living in another country, for example) bonds people fast and fiercely. It is just what happens and I am sure anyone who has lived abroad, or in an unusual, tight community, would agree with me. I have made friends that I know, without a doubt, will remain with me through my life. Most, I will never see again, and I know that. That is part of the course of living the life I lead. You leave people behind, which is why leaving is almost always, bittersweet. But, I have a vibrant life to return to, and I am oh so excited. These past months have felt at times like years stretching on end that would never end.
I know many people thought I was making a mistake coming. Other people supported me with enthusiasm. I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, exactly as it should. I told a few people that I KNEW, in my core, that if I didn't go, I would regret it. Maybe not right away, but I knew that I would. I still believe that. I am glad I came, because I was always supposed to come. I subscribe to a daily inspirational quote e-mail. I love quotes, because they can so often capture what you are feeling, but lack the words to express. These two gems came to me while I was in the midst of heavy deliberation on whether or not I should go or stay. They are, "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." -T.S. Eliot and "Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." -F. Scott Fitzgerald. The later one especially, spoke to me. Could I stay and persist, merely surviving, not really living? Just waiting for this experience to be over? Of course I could, I know I could. But sometimes, the best thing you can do is surrender, and let it go. So, that is what I chose to do; let this experience go and move on towards something new, that spoke and called to me.
Kelsey gave me a card right before I left that said, "1. the path is not straight. 2. mistakes need not be fatal. 3. people are more important than achievements or possessions. 4. be gentle with your parents. 5. never stop doing what you care most about. 6. learn to use a semicolon. 7. you will find love." -Marion Winik. I brought that card with me and have seen it every single day since I arrived. I really love the sentiment of the card, and although Kelsey sent me away with it, it is part of the reason I am choosing to come back. It was a daily reminder that this choice does not have to be permanent and that I shouldn't ever stop trying to do what I am most passionate about. Inside the card, Kelsey wrote, "I saw this quote and thought of you. 'Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until they are 75.' I assure you, you will not be one of these people!" That is one of the highest compliments she could have paid me. What I hope people gain from that quote, is regardless of how old you are, regardless of your life circumstances, never stop living. If you don't like something, change it. If you need a change, make it. Skip off to another country, travel, see the World, move. Hell, come to Korea if you feel so inclined! Just refuse to be unhappy in your life. It is your life, you only have one, and it is shorter than we know.
I talked with a friend over the weekend as to why I came here. What brought me here. I talked about the reasons above, but we also talked about what I refer to as, "The Net" or more specifically, MY Net. I have a very strong and loyal support system at home. I have a close family, not just immediate family, but extended family as well, and a ridiculously close group of friends. These people are the net that I fall upon when things go badly. It is one of the main reasons I feel so confident in my ability to go. Because I KNOW these people will be there to catch me if and when I need to come home. I will be welcomed with open arms. They will support me no matter what. As I get older, I realize this is NOT something everyone has. Some people are fortunate to have one or the other (good friends, or good family); but I am extremely lucky to have both. I realize how important that is as I continue through life. So, why do I leave? Because I know there will always, always be people rooting for me from home to succeed and welcome me back into my life when I return.
Some people have inquired to my financial situation with my loans, because that was a huge reason I came here. There is a loan forgiveness program that forgives all of your loans after 10 years of working in public service/non-profit (which I plan to work in anyways) and you have been on an income based repayment plan (it makes the payment very affordable). So, that is what I am doing, and the stress from the loans is very much lifted knowing that this is an option! It has taken hours and hours upon hours over Skype trying to figure this out, but it is finally coming through!
So, come July 26th, I will leave Korea. I will leave for Australia to see Colin for a week and a half or so, where I will go to Sydney, Uluru (Ayer's Rock) and check off one of my ultimate Bucket Lists goals: Scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef. I am very, very excited for that trip! I will return to Seattle August 8th! I will start my new job on August 15th. Or so, goes the plan. I am telling my school today that I am quitting, and I know it probably will not go well. I am just hoping that they don't fire me. If they do fire me? Well, I will be going home sooner than expected, because that is just sometimes how life goes. I will let you know all how that goes! Hopefully WWIII doesn't erupt. It will probably make an interesting blog update, in the least! Maybe I will be fired...or maybe they will just make my life hell! I will let you all know, soon enough!
There are so many things I am looking forward to, they are almost too numerous to list, and so many things I will NOT miss about this place, that I will write about them at a later date!
Stay tuned.
See some of you VERY soon!!
